Blue.

I have returned. But I feel like I'm Doubly Debbie Downer recently. And it's driving me crazy. I was kinda crazy all week. Like psycho crazy, mood swings - PMS to a T. But add a dose of depression and self loathing and I had not only my male co-workers running for cover, but the female looked a little worried too.

Recently, I've been watching The Bachelorette every Monday with a great group of girls, mostly my co-workers wives, with a few others thrown in. And I love it. Last week, one of the girls I know the least, shared about her day and her and her husbands' appointment with their infertility doctor. I graduated college with this girl, and we were actually in the same club. But our lives are in completely different places. And I know she is hurting and struggling with what is going on. But I found myself disgustingly jealous. WHO DOES THAT? Am I so desperate?? When did I become that way? And how do I stop?

But I find myself being jealous of others and their relationship. And I don't like who it is making me. It's driving me crazy. And into sadness.

And I know its this vicious cycle. I can't put my happiness in someone else. Because then that relationship won't work. And I know this. So I'm trying to become happy in myself. I'm trying to build up my relationship with Christ. And rely on Him. I need to find peace in Him.

But I'm not there. And it doesn't just happen because I want it. It's a constant struggle. And right now I feel like I am on the losing end. But I know. I know in my heart of hearts that I will win. And it will get better. Life will someday be good again.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. This is my mantra.

I Can't Say Hello and Risk Another Goodbye

So I had a lot of alone time in the car this weekend. I listened to some music, some old sermons I missed at Church, and then I drove in silence with my thoughts. I realized that it is a very rare occurrence for me to be in silence. I love music - so I always have on Music - home, car, office, shower - never in silence. But I took a little time this weekend to let my mind wander. And of course my thoughts go back to him and our relationship and our love. And while that was hard - I also realized today how long we have been apart - and pretty soon it will be a year. In my mind - the year mark is the pinnacle - if I can make till then -it will mean something. And I'm getting closer day by day.

So I spent the weekend with two of my college roomies - lots of catching up, looking at wedding stuff, and having a chill and wonderful weekend. While it is definitely not anything close to how it was in college - it was good. We aren't the same people, we aren't in the same place in our lives, but we are still friends. And I'm grateful they are in my life.

And Just Like That...

It's been 16 days without an update.

I got my first Not Guilty last week. And as my good friend told me shortly thereafter  - well now I don't have to worry about it. And he's right. I pretty much knew going in that it would be a NG - and I'm just happy they had to deliberate an hour and a half before deciding. I learned a lot and am glad that I tried the case.

On Fridays, the Misdemeanor Kids have lunch together. This Friday, we went to Hayashi - which I wasn't really feeling - but hey, I am a team player. NEVER. AGAIN. I was so sick on Friday afternoon to Saturday morning! Yuck! So I came home from work early and decided to watch a movie on Netflix (inbetween multiple trips to the bathroom.) Anyway - I randomly chose a chick flick - which ended up being about a single girl DYING of COLON CANCER. We had wayyyyyy too much in common. Ew.

So as I am dabbling in the online dating world - my bro told me to mask the food poisoning by simply telling my friends I had a great date with a guy named John; he was there when I needed him and we spent a lot of QT together this weekend.

AND I SAVED the BEST for LAST ....

Meet Jax!! I bought him on Craigslist. He is a Golden Doodle. And I am in LOVE. :) Of course, I haven't spent the night with him yet, but my love for him is true. :)

Jax is what his previous owner named him...I'm a fan, but I am trying it out for now.

Debbie Downer

This blog has been a downer for these past two posts, and while I hate that - it somewhat accurately reflects my current life status.

This week was exceptionally hard. I don't know why - but I was successful in not communicating with W - and that is saying something. At least for this week - I don't know why the desire to talk to him suddenly became so strong this week - but it did.

Have I mentioned I have wonderful co-workers? Well, I do. I have been blessed at (both) my law jobs with great co-workers. They are great friends, and here in Lubbock, they are my family. They are also ALL married - which is great for them; but HOW? I LOVE hanging out with them - we all went out to dinner last night  - and it was great - but when they went to the movie portion of the night - I checked out. I mean - 7th wheel to a movie? No thanks. While I KNOW it would have been fine, fun even, I chickened out. :) But I do enjoy my co-workers, and their wives.

I had grand plans of cleaning and organizing this weekend. I still have grand plans of cleaning and organizing tomorrow - haha. I did get some laundry and dishes done - but not the deep cleaning I needed to accomplish. Hopefully, I'll get a burst of energy and get more accomplished in the next few hours.

I also joined 2 online dating sites. No big news yet - but I am trying to put myself out there.

Life is Hard

Life can be wonderful and exhilarating and vibrant at times. And sometimes life can just pretty much suck.

I want to be happy. I want to be over this dark hole in my life. Am I being melodramatic? Perhaps, (definitely) but I'm angry.

I miss having a person. That person you can call or text or communicate in whichever way you choose - day or night, early or late, happy or sad. That person that you can send a quick text because you are mad at a co-worker, frustrated, happy, share a joke, let them know you are bored out of your mind, what you want for lunch. Whatever it is, however simple, however mundane, however ridiculous - you can text them because they (HE) is your PERSON. The Person who actually CARES whether you have a good day ( or is kind enough to ACT like it), the person who you can go home to (figuratively or literally), the person who can hug you and make the stress and worry of the day disappear. The person who you rely on to get through the day. I miss that the most .

I KNOW that this is where I need to be - I KNOW this relationship needed to end, was meant to end, but it is HARD. 3 and a half years is a long time. Losing your best friend, the person who knows you the best, the person who knows your secrets - when they are suddenly gone from your life. And every dang thing makes you think of them, or remember something about them - just SUCKS.

And it isn't a big deal to other people. And it shouldn't be. They aren't going through it. I am. By Myself. Because I'm single - and I no longer have a person required to care about me.

So I'm learning to be independent. To not care that I am the only single person at the party, or the office, or the restaurant, or the store or whatever it may be. And yes, I know, there are tons of single people everywhere - but in my world, currently, it feels as if I am the only one.

I am not an eloquent writer, oh how I wish I was. And I know my current depressing view on life is of little concern to my friends - but I am glad to have this outlet.

Strip It All Away

It's that time of year again - time for resolutions, time for new beginnings, time for a fresh start, a clean slate. 

This past year brought big changes to my life. I graduated Law School, got my first Big Girl Job, quit said BGJ, and got my Dream Job, moved from Lubbock to Tyler (via Hallsville) back to Lubbock, moved across town to my own rental, adopted a dog and unfortunately returned the dog to rescue (MAJOR SAD FACE), and last (but seemingly most life altering) (and that's saying something with all the above changes) I ended my on again-off again 3(ish) year relationship. The only serious relationship I have ever had. With the only person I have ever thought I was going to marry. Ending the relationship was a life-changer.  
 

I want to learn from this major part of my life. I want to look back on January 3, 2014 and be able to see how far I have come this year - hence the starting of this blog. And I want to heal from this heartbreak. So this blog will be my place to grieve, grow, gripe, heal, share, and become the person I want to be.

Life Becoming - While I may be 25 *ahem* 26 - I feel like I am just now coming into my own.  I want to become my own, true, stripped-down self. I want to truly know myself. I want to be confident in my own, extra-large, skin. 

I also want to become a better person this year - but REALLY this year - so without further adieu - here are my resolutions - hopefully writing them down will help! 

• Re-Affirm my Faith
• Join a Church
• Be active in the Church
• Join a Small Group/Bible Study

• Volunteer
• I'm thinking Meals On Wheels/Big Brother-Big Sister

• Make GOOD friends
• Lubbock in Law School was great because of the people I met during law school.
• Lubbock without these wonderful friends, is not quite as great. 
• Now, I do have awesome Co-Workers whom I love - however, they are mostly males and all married.

• Be Healthier
• Because I want to be happier
• Because I want to have self-confidence 

So there we go - at least so far. 

I hope to update this blog semi-often. I hope to Strip It All Away and discover who I really am.