Blue.

I have returned. But I feel like I'm Doubly Debbie Downer recently. And it's driving me crazy. I was kinda crazy all week. Like psycho crazy, mood swings - PMS to a T. But add a dose of depression and self loathing and I had not only my male co-workers running for cover, but the female looked a little worried too.

Recently, I've been watching The Bachelorette every Monday with a great group of girls, mostly my co-workers wives, with a few others thrown in. And I love it. Last week, one of the girls I know the least, shared about her day and her and her husbands' appointment with their infertility doctor. I graduated college with this girl, and we were actually in the same club. But our lives are in completely different places. And I know she is hurting and struggling with what is going on. But I found myself disgustingly jealous. WHO DOES THAT? Am I so desperate?? When did I become that way? And how do I stop?

But I find myself being jealous of others and their relationship. And I don't like who it is making me. It's driving me crazy. And into sadness.

And I know its this vicious cycle. I can't put my happiness in someone else. Because then that relationship won't work. And I know this. So I'm trying to become happy in myself. I'm trying to build up my relationship with Christ. And rely on Him. I need to find peace in Him.

But I'm not there. And it doesn't just happen because I want it. It's a constant struggle. And right now I feel like I am on the losing end. But I know. I know in my heart of hearts that I will win. And it will get better. Life will someday be good again.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. This is my mantra.